I’m sitting here wondering how just a few months ago, I felt like a different person. I was really down, not knowing what to do with life, other than look after my baby, husband and home, and not that there’s anything wrong with that, I love it, but I didn’t feel right. On the outside I was happy, and I wasn’t completely unhappy, but I just new I needed more out of myself. I know it may sound silly and this sounds like a ridiculous title, but it’s the truth.
My son is now one and after speaking with some mums online, I’ve only just realised that I did in fact have post natal depression, very mild compared to some, but still PND.
The realisation is overwhelming, it’s so nice to have an answer for my internal misery. I can’t believe it, and yet it all makes sense. I didn’t have the symptoms we all associate with PND, its something you read about, and even though you may know people who have it or have gone through it, you may never see the side to them which screams out PND sufferer. I’d read all the symptoms on NHS direct and heard all the horror stories, so I genuinely thought it wasn’t happening to me.
I can simply say that I just haven’t been myself for the last year, but why should I? I’m a completely different person than I was before I had my baby! I spent my days in a set routine, enjoying the mundane rut that I didn’t realise I was creating for myself. I was scared of going out, scared of the dangers of the world that could hurt my baby, scared of my baby not getting his much needed sleep, and scared that I couldn’t prepare myself mentally if we did get out of our routine. His naps were perfectly timed, my to do list around the house was highlighted and completed, and everyone was happy – even myself or so I thought.
It was only when I realised one day that I missed the girly gossip with my friends, missed wandering around town, grabbing a coffee or just going across the road for some bread on my own and wondering around a shop without a child attached to me. I craved that time back.
I had no hobbies anymore and rarely did anything for myself, and I needed that, but it was so overwhelming even figuring out how to try and achieve it.
After all, being a mum is my first job and anything else comes second. Should I feel guilty for wanting that time for myself? I absolutely was feeling guilty. Of course I want my son to have his mum whenever he needs me, but realising that I can’t be the best mum I can be without having time to myself was a big deal.
I made a list of all the things I used to love and wanted to get back into. Wrote some goals that I wanted to achieve in my lifetime, even if they were way off, I had to start somewhere.
I got back to blogging and vlogging each day on Instagram and I loved having a routine that was just for me, and not just for Josh. And by being present on social media, I figure I can help other mums going through the same thing, and be someone they can talk to when they need to. I love connecting with people and being that support.
It’s taken a long time, and I’m no expert, but these little things really helped me get over my mild PND. If I’m honest, I really wish I had spoken to someone about it before, and maybe I could’ve dealt with my mindset earlier, so if you’re not feeling yourself, please get some help and talk to someone, no one will think any less of you, and in fact it takes a pretty strong person to admit that somethings’ not right.
I want another child one day and I just hope that I can recognise the signs earlier the second time around
Don’t be worried about reaching out to people, and please feel free to get in touch : )